


Not Just Your Punching Bag

by jalex813



Category: Grey's Anatomy, Station 19 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Eventual Smut, F/F, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-11
Updated: 2020-05-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:41:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24134509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jalex813/pseuds/jalex813
Summary: How Maya and Carina deal with the aftermath of 3x15. Separately and together.
Relationships: Maya Bishop/Carina DeLuca
Comments: 40
Kudos: 414





	1. One

The minute her door slammed shut the tears started.

Harsh, painful, ugly-cry tears.

But she deserved them. She deserved to be sad. Hell, she deserved to be devastated after what she’d just done.

Falling back against her bedroom door she let sobs overcome her, and they only got harder when she heard the faint sound of the beautiful woman in the hallway crying as well.

Her heart cracked in half.

_ What the fuck have you done, Bishop? What the FUCK have you done? Why did you have to fuck this one up? _

The last few months with Carina had been some of the best in her life. No one had ever made her feel so happy and safe and ... loved.

Carina loved her.

Sure the doctor had never actually said it, they had never even really defined their relationship, but she didn’t need to. Every move she made, every look she gave her, it all screamed nothing but love and adoration. 

_ And you ruined it. _

Peeling herself off the door walked over to her bed and sat on the edge. She wanted nothing more than to shower and wash the shame of her tryst with Jack off of her but she couldn’t even bring herself to move. She was exhausted. 

Suddenly the door to her bedroom opened and Carina stepped inside.

The sight of the woman ruined her. Her face was stained with tears, her hair was ruffled and out of place, and her eyes, usually so warm, were cold. 

Ice cold. 

She glanced briefly at Maya before going over to the dresser and opening a drawer - her drawer, the one Maya had set aside for her - and beginning to take clothes out of it.

_ Stop her, Maya. Fix this! Maybe it’s not too late. _

“What are you doing?” Maya asked meekly, her voice cracking as she did.

“Grabbing my stuff,” Carina answered simply, not even looking. Once all the clothes were out she closed the drawer and went to leave the room.

“Why?” 

_ Really, Maya? Why? That’s what you go with? _

The Italian turned around and looked at her, very unamused with her question.

“You’ve been trying to get me to leave all day,” she replied coldly. “So you win ... I’m leaving.”

Maya nodded and looked down to hide her eyes which were filling with fresh tears.

“Okay, I just ... you don’t have to take all of your stuff,” she tried. Carina huffed loudly.

“I’m not coming back, Maya.”

The words hit her like a ton of bricks. 

_ I’m not coming back. _

Was this really it? After months of trying her damndest to not fuck up the one good thing in her life, had she finally done it?After months of happiness, and love, and kisses, and learning cute Italian phrases and closing herself off only to have this beautiful woman open her back up again, had she ruined it?

_No you have to fight. You’ve never backed down in your life, don’t start now. She fought for you,_ _now you do the same for her, damn it!_

“I’m sorry.”

“Maya, don’t -“ 

“I was angry and I took it out on you and I didn’t mean any of what I said. I don’t need space, I want you here with me.”

“Maya-“

“We can fix this. I know I fucked up so bad and I’m so fucking sorry and I hate myself for it but I know we can work this out. I don’t want you to leave, please.” 

She didn’t know how she’d gotten there but somewhere in the course of her rambling she’d ended up just inches away from Carina. From here she could really see the pain in her bloodshot eyes and knowing she’d caused it destroyed her more than anything her father ever said could have.

“You slept with someone else,” Carina said sadly, fresh tears forming in her eyes. “I waited for you here all day because I was worried about you ... because I thought you’d need me ... and you were sleeping with someone else. How can we fix that, Maya? How?”

“Carina -“

“And then you threw it in my face to hurt me. To  _ make _ me angry with you. Well congrats, Maya, because it worked. I  _ am _ angry with you. And I’m angry with myself for letting you hurt me.” 

“Carina, please -“

“You told me you were broken and I should have listened to you. I’m the fool for not doing that. Instead, I ... I fell in love with you and I just kept trying to get you to love me back. Even when you pushed me away I kept trying because I thought ... I really thought you could.”

_ I fell in love with you. _

_ I fell in love with you. _

_ I fell in love with you. _

Maya felt herself begin to crumble. Her breath was straining, her hands were tingling. The panic was mounting. 

“But I can ... I do ... I love you, Carina ... I know I’ve done an awful job at showing it but I do, I swear I do.”

The doctor stared at her in shock as fresh tears made their way down her cheeks.

“That’s not fair,” she whispered. “You don’t get to do that. You don’t get to sleep with someone else and then tell me you love me like it fixes everything.”

“I know it doesn’t, I know that ...I just ... you think I don’t and I can’t ... I couldn’t ... I need you to know that I  do .”

“If you loved me you wouldn’t have fucked Jack,” Carina spat bitterly, her voice breaking.

“It was a mistake. A horrible, stupid, disgusting mistake and I hate myself for making it ... but I can fix this. I know I can ... that  _ we _ can. We love each other ... we can’t just give that up!”

“I’m not giving up, Maya! I’ve tried so hard with you but you keep pushing me away and hurting me. I can’t do it anymore, I’m exhausted. You’ve fucking beaten me down and I can’t take it anymore,” Carina whimpered, throwing her clothes on the floor and covering her face as sobs began to wrack her body again.

Against her better judgement Maya took another step forward and wrapped her arms around the crying woman.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered against her hair. “I am so sorry, baby.”

They stood there like that for a while, until the doctor’s crying subsided. She pulled away and pushed Maya back gently. 

“I have to go,” she sniffed, wiping away a stray tear.

“Please don’t.”

“I have to.”

“I can fix this.”

“You can’t.”

“I won a god damn gold medal, Carina. I  _ can _ fix  _ this _ !”

Carina sighed and looked at her sadly.

“Well, I’m sorry you can’t add our relationship to your list of accomplishments, Maya,” she sighed, picking her clothes back up from the floor. 

Every defensive instinct in the captain kicked in at that moment she felt her blood boil at those words. 

_ Don’t do it, Bishop... _

“Relationship?” she spat angrily. “We never said we were in a relationship.” 

The minute the words left her mouth she regretted them. 

“Fuck, Carina I didn’t mean -“

“You’re right,” she interrupted sadly. “I was never your girlfriend. So I guess I shouldn’t be upset, right?”

“I’m sorry, I don’t know why I said that.”

“Because it’s what you do, Maya. You get angry and you lash out and ... and I just can’t be your punching bag anymore. You know I’d do anything for but this hurts  too much.”

Maya could only stand there and nod. 

It was over. She had broken this beyond repair and there was no going back. 

“I never wanted to hurt you.” Carina took a step forward and kissed her softly on the forehead.

“Goodbye, Maya.”

The doctor turned to leave and was about to walk through the bedroom door when she turned around.

“You deserve love, Maya. From other people and from yourself. I really hope you can stop being afraid to accept it.”

With that, the brunette walked out the door and Maya sank to her knees, letting sobs overtake her.

———————————————————

Maya didn’t leave her room for three days.

She communicated with her crew just enough for them to know she wasn’t dead in a ditch somewhere, but mostly just laid in her bed and cried.

She cried for her mom. She cried for her dad. She cried for her crew. But mostly she cried for Carina.

Sweet, gorgeous, funny, brilliant Carina who she’d pushed away time and time again. Who she’d hurt beyond belief. Who had left a gaping hole in the captain’s heart.

When she did finally return to work she didn’t even make eye contact with anyone before shutting herself in her office and burying herself in paperwork.

It wasn’t ideal but it was the only thing she could think of to keep her mind off the doctor.

After what seemed like hours of monotonous signing there was a faint knock at her door. She was about to tell whoever it was to go away but it swung open a the perpetrator came in anyway.

It was Jack.

Maya’s blood boiled at the sight of him.

“Get the fuck out,” she spat. He looked flabbergasted.

“Nice to see you too?”

“I said, get  _ the fuck _ out of my office. Now,” she repeated through gritted teeth.

“Am I missing something? Why the fuck are you so mad at me?” 

Maya laughed bitterly. Was he really that dense? Just the sight of his face made her nauseous, remembering what she’d done. What they’d done.

“Why am I mad at you?” she laughed bitterly. “You ruined  _ fucking everything !” _

Hot tears began brimming in her eyes but she was determined to not let them fall. She wouldn’t give Jack the satisfaction of seeing her cry.

” _I_ ruined everything? I’m not the one who cheated on my girlfriend. That was you.”

“And you were just some innocent bystander?  _ You _ knew I was with her.  _ You _ knew I was angry.  _ You _ knew I wasn’t thinking clearly and  _ you _ let it happen anyway.”

“Fuck you. I know it was wrong. I know I’m a scum bag for doing it. I admit that. I was even coming in here to apologize and see how you were. But don’t stand here and try to blame  _ me _ for treating yet another person like a fucking punching bag because you can’t deal with your own issues. It was only a matter of time before you did it to someone you actually cared about.”

Maya was dumbfounded. She wanted to scream at him, curse him out, maybe even hit him but she couldn’t.

He was right.

She had lied to herself for too long, blamed everyone else for her problems. It had to stop. 

“You ... you’re right,” she choked out. “You’re right. I’m sorry. It’s not your fault.”

It wasn’t the right time at all, but she almost laughed out loud at how shocked he looked at her admission.

“You’re kind of giving me whiplash here, captain,” he said cautiously.

“I know,” she sighed, collapsing back into her chair. “To be honest I’m kind of an emotional mess right now and seeing you reminded me of ... everything and I really don’t want to be reminded of everything. So ... I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to use you as a punching bag, as you so eloquently put it.”

“Maybe that was harsh,” he said apologetically.

“It wasn’t. Carina said the same exact thing.”

“Oh ... “ 

“Yeah.”

“Do you uh ... want to talk about it?” he offered. 

“No.” Jack nodded and started walking backwards towards the door. “But that probably means I should.”

He smiled and immediately sat in one of the chairs across from her.

“So ... what happened?”

“Besides me being a complete fuck up?”

“Yeah, besides that.”

“I got back the other night and she was still there and I was still angry and, long story short, I threw what we’d done in her face to hurt her.” 

“Bishop ... “

“I know.”

“I mean, for what it’s worth it was good that you told her, right? Not sure I would have gone about it in the way you did but ... you know.”

“It was cruel.”

“Well ... yeah, yeah it was. No way around that.”

“Anyway, after I told her I completely broke down and realized what a complete fucking asshole I was and I tried to apologize and fix it but ... she left. She took her stuff and left and said she wasn’t coming back.”

Retelling it, even as haphazardly as she had, had her back on the verge of tears. Jack sighed and gave her a sympathetic look. 

“I’m not trying to be an asshole, really I’m not, but can you blame her?” he asked honestly. “Wouldn’t you have done the same?”

“Of course,” Maya admitted. “I just ... she told me she loves me ... and I love her. I really fucking do and I couldn’t just let her go without trying to fight for her.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say that you love someone.”

“I’ve never felt for anyone what I feel for her, Jack,” she said as she finally let go and let the tears in her eyes fall. “How did I fuck this up so bad?”

“Look, Maya, you have issues,” Jack said. She shot him a glare. “What I mean is, you have stuff in your past that you haven’t dealt with. I know I’m one to talk but ... before you can really be with someone else you need to confront all of this. So if you love this girl -“

“I do.”

“Then you need to get better. You need to get over yourself and go to therapy. By yourself, with your mom, whatever it takes. And then you need to win her back.”

“Jack ... “ Maya scoffed. “She’s never going to want me again.”

“You just said that she told you she loves you.”

“That doesn’t mean she could ever trust me again. We work together everyday for crazy hours, how would she -“

“ _ You _ work crazy hours. Not me.”

“The  point is ... she’d never take me back.”

“You said you wanted to fight for her,” Jack persisted. “ This is how you do it. Not with some hysterical apology but by actually doing the work and getting better. You are the most determined person I know, Bishop. If you can’t do this then maybe you  _ don’t _ actually love her.”

“I do!” Maya defended. 

“Then get better!”

“It’s not that simple.”

“It is, though.”

“What if she still doesn’t want me back?”

Jack stilled. The woman in front of him was not the Maya Bishop he’d come to know over the years; confident, determined, strong, way too hard headed for her own good. This woman was scared, vulnerable, insecure and ... broken.

He’d always known she was broken but even after all they’d been through he’d never seen her let her walls down like this. She had it bad for this woman, and as happy as he was to see that she did, in fact, have human emotions, his heart broke for her. 

“Then at least you’d be better and you could walk away know you gave it a real shot.”

Maya looked up at him with watery eyes and nodded. 

He was right. Never in her life did she think she’d ever admit Jack Gibson was right but he was. 

“Thank you,” she said.

“Anytime, Captain,” he replied. “And I need you to know ... I am really sorry for all of this, Maya. I was wrong to go along with it and ... I really wish I could have been a good enough friend to stop you.”

“Well ... maybe we can help each other be better.”

———————————————————

It had been five months since their breakup.

Five months since Maya had heard Carina’s voice. Since she’d touched her. Since she’d kissed her. Since she’d even seen her.

Four months since she’d started going to therapy. By herself and with her mother.

Three months since she’d realized her father had been abusive. 

Two months since she’d apologized to her mother for everything she’d said to her.

One month since she’d started going to yoga (and since she’d set Jack up with her instructor). 

Two weeks since she’d finally began to feel normal again.

One week since Jack had begun bugging her about reaching out to Carina. 

And one hour since she’d texted the brunette asking how she was. 

_ Hey, Carina. How are you? _

There was really nothing to it but it had taken her a good 45 minutes to even build up the courage to send it. And now here she was, sitting at her kitchen table like a loser, hoping for some kind of response.

Each minute that passed chipped away at her confidence, at all the progress she’d made over the last few months. 

_ This was a huge mistake. She wants nothing to do with you. _

Another hour passed and Maya couldn’t handle it anymore. It was hopeless.

She got up and went to go to bed when she suddenly heard the most beautiful noise. 

Her text tone. 

Quicker than she even thought she could move she ran back to the table and grabbed her phone, hopping it wasn’t Jack or Andy or her mom or anyone else in her life who  _ wasn’t _ Carina.

Saying a quick prayer to whatever supreme being there was, she looked at her phone.

_ Carina. _

It was her.

Relief, happiness and a wave of nerves washed over her as she swiped the message open.

**_ Carina _ **

_ Hi! Sorry it took me so long to respond. I had a mama in labor for hours. Cosi pazzo! Staying busy besides that. How are you? _

**_ Maya _ **

_ No worries at all! I hope everything went okay. Staying busy as well. Or, trying to at least. _

**_ Carina _ **

_ It did! Mama and baby are both very happy and healthy :)  _

**_ Maya _ **

_ Good! I’m really glad to hear that. _

**_ Carina _ **

_ So are you just texting me to say hello, or ... ? _

**_ Maya _ **

_ Well, yes and no. I was actually wondering ... would you maybe want to meet for coffee or a drink or something? I was hoping we could talk. I have some stuff I really want to tell you and it doesn’t feel right in a text or over the phone. I totally understand if you don’t want to though. _

**_ Carina _ **

_ Yeah, I’d like that. _

**_ Maya _ **

_ Yeah? Are you sure? _

**_ Carina _ **

_ Si! It’d be nice to catch up. _

**_ Maya _ **

_ Okay great! I mean, I’m free whenever so just let me know what works for you. Trying this thing where I work normal human hours for a change ;) _

**_ Carina _ **

_ Well I’m really happy to hear that! Maybe it’s a little short notice but I’m off in 30 minutes. Would that work? I’m working overnights the rest of the week :( _

**_ Maya _ **

_ Oh, yeah for sure. I just need to get dressed real quick. _

**_ Carina _ **

_ How about I just stop by your place? I know how much you hate getting out of comfy clothes ;) _

Maya froze. The thought of Carina in her house, late at night, made her heart flutter.

_ Stop getting your hopes up, Bishop. This isn’t a booty call. You’re literally telling her you’re in therapy. _

Still, the thought of being able to touch the doctor again made her ache. Quickly trying to shake all those thoughts she typed out her response.

**_ Maya _ **

_ You know me too well, DeLuca. That works for me! _

**_ Carina _ **

_ Perfetto! See you soon then :) _

Maya sighed happily.

Thirty minutes. 

She definitely had not intended to see her former lover so soon. She hadn’t even really thought about what she was going to say. But life was presenting her this chance on a silver platter and she had to take it.

———————————————————

Maya was shaking. And sweating. And experiencing every other bodily reaction extreme stress could induce.

Carina was coming over. The love of her life was going to be at her house in just a few minutes and she had basically no time to make herself look presentable or prepare what she was going to say.

What do you even say to a girl whose heart you’ve ripped out and torn into pieces? 

Before she even had time to think, her doorbell rang.

_ Please don’t fuck this up, Bishop. Please. _

Taking a deep breath she padded over to the door and opened it.

When her eyes fell upon the gorgeous Italian woman standing on her doorstep her breath caught in her throat. 

So. Fucking. Beautiful.

She was dressed super casual, wearing a simple t-shirt and black jeans with no makeup, but she looked more beautiful than ever in Maya’s eyes.

“Hi,” the blonde breathed out. A wide smile formed on Carina’s face.

“Ciao, bella,” the doctor replied softly. Holding her arms out. Maya accepted her hug and melted into the woman’s touch. It felt so unbelievably good to be in her arms again. After a few moments, way too short moments in Maya’s opinion, they pulled away and the captain welcomed her guest inside.

“I was surprised when you texted me,” Carina said as she sat down at the kitchen table. 

“Yeah, I can imagine. It may have taken me like an hour to even sike myself up enough to send it.” 

“Sike yourself up to send a text that said hi?” the doctor laughed. Maya tried her damndest to fight off a blush.

“Don’t make fun, I was nervous.”

“Because of me?”

“Well ... yeah.”

“Why?”

Her nerves kicked in quickly. She knew they needed to talk but she wanted to at least try to make some decent small talk first.

“I ... drink? Can I get you a drink? Coffee? Wine? Beer? Something ...stronger, maybe?”

“I’ll have whatever you’re having.” 

“Wine it is. I’ll be right back.”

As she walked off to the cabinet she immediately started cursing herself.

_ God, Bishop. Get it together! This is the woman of your dreams. Stop being a complete dweeb for two seconds. _

After she poured the wine she took a deep breath.

_ Just talk to her. Easy stuff at first. And naturally move into the tough stuff. You can do this.  _

“So you said you had a tough delivery tonight?” Maya asked as she returned to the table, setting the wine glasses down.

“So tough,” Carina sighed. “This mama had been laboring for close to 20 hours and she was getting nowhere.”

“Did she try your ... method?”

“Not at first. Her husband even yelled at me when I suggested it. Americans can be so prude.”

“So prude,” Maya laughed. “So what did you end up doing?”

“Waiting. Her blood pressure was too high to do a C-section so we just had to wait it out. Finally when the pain from the contractions was getting too much I convinced her it might be time to ... ”

“Rub one out?”

“Si,” Carina chuckled. 

“And she agreed?”

“She did. I don’t know why we had to wait until she was so desperate but ... she did it.” 

“She did it? Not her husband?”

“No, he was stupido,” the doctor said, rolling her eyes. “I ended up giving her one of the toys I had lying around from my research.”

“Toys? Like ... like sex toys?”

“Si.”

“You just have sex toys lying around your office?”

“I mean, they’re not just out in the open but yeah. When I was doing my research I’d provide them for women to use in the MRI. Some women just can’t get off with their hand alone.”

“That’s ... a shame.”

“Isn’t it?” The doctor winked at her and Maya felt her breath hitch. This was  _ not _ the small talk she was expecting.

“Well, I’m glad it all worked out,” she choked out. “You’re a great doctor, Carina.”

“Thank you, bella,” the brunette said with a warm smile. “I’m really glad you texted me.”

“You are?”

“Si. It’s really good to see you, Maya.” The blonde almost looked down in an attempt to hide the extreme blush making its way to her cheeks but she thought better of it. Tonight was about being vulnerable, about showing the doctor that she had changed. She didn’t want to hide any part of herself.

“It’s really good to see you too,” she replied. “I really miss talking to you. My days feel so boring without your crazy hospital stories.”

“Well  _ my _ days feel boring without your thrilling fire stories.”

“I’m sure you don’t miss having to worry about me though. I know that used to drive you crazy.”

Suddenly the doctor was looking at her like she had five heads.

“Maya ... “ she started. “I still worry about you everyday. Probably even more so now that I don’t know where you are or what you’re doing. I ... it scares me everyday that I’m going to see you being rolled into the ER.”

The captain felt a lump growing in her throat at her words. 

“Thank you,” she said softly. “Good thing I’m such a badass so you don’t have to worry too much.” Carina laughed and took a sip of her wine.

“So you said you wanted to tell me something?” she inquired.

Maya’s stomach dropped a little. This was it. This was her moment to make her case to Carina. To let her know she’d changed. That she’d learned how to cope with her issues. That she was ready to accept love. 

“Yeah ... a lot actually but I guess it all kind of centers around one main thing,” she started. “It’s not a huge deal or anything and honestly you might not even care but it’s something we talked about so I just thought -“

“Maya ... “

“I started going to therapy.”

“You did?”

“Yeah once a week by myself. Once every two weeks with my mom.”

“Maya, thats amazing! How do you feel?”

“I feel ... better,” she said with a smile. “I mean, it’s hard and there have definitely been a lot of tears but I feel like I walk out of each session feeling lighter, you know? Like there’s been this weight taken off me. And going with my mom has really ... it’s really helped us. We’re closer now than we’ve ever been and it’s really nice.” 

“That’s wonderful,” Carina said, placing a hand over Maya’s. “I’m so proud of you. It’s not an easy thing to do.”

“But I needed it. And you helped me realize that.”

“Maya -“

“I just wish it hadn’t taken losing you for me to finally do it.” The doctor squeezed her hand softly.

“Everyone works at their own pace. You can’t force yourself into anything you’re not ready for. Obviously how everything happened was not ... ideal. But you’re doing what’s right for you now. Don’t look back and beat yourself up for what it took to get here. The progress you’re making is important.”

“But -“

“No buts. What you’re doing is amazing and wonderful and that’s all that matters,” the Italian assured her, her eyes starting to look glassy. The blonde nodded and took a deep breath, trying to keep her voice from cracking.

“Thank you.” The two sat their in comfortable silence for a moment, letting everything sink in. “You were right.”

“Che cosa? About what?”

“My dad,” Maya clarified. “He was abusive. Verbally, emotionally, all of that.” Tears began welling in her eyes, as they always did when she talked about this. “I just ... I couldn’t understand it ... I didn’t want to because I always thought he was responsible for so much of what I’ve accomplished. But he wasn’t ... he’s not. It was me. I did those things.”

Tears were now freely falling down the firefighter’s cheeks. Carina moved closer to her and wrapped an arm around her shoulders.

“It’s okay, bella. Let it out,” she whispered, moving a piece of hair behind her ear.

“Sorry,” Maya said, wiping away her tears as best she could. “It’s been a lot to unpack and ... it’s still hard to talk about without getting emotional.”

“Don’t apologize, cara,” Carina cooed, running her fingers through long blonde hair. “Crying can be the most therapeutic thing. Releasing all of that pent up energy.”

“Yeah but I’m blubbering all over you.”

“Blubber alway, bella. It’s okay,” Carina laughed. “And Maya ... I need you to know that for me ... it was never about being right. I just wanted you to be okay. I wanted you to be able to love yourself like so many other people love you.”

“Like who,” the blonde laughed.

“Like me.” Maya paused and looked at Carina. Her deep brown eyes were so warm and full of love and in that moment she wanted nothing more than to kiss her and never stop.

So that’s what she did.

She didn’t know what came over her but she leaned forward and connected their lips in a soft, sweet kiss. 

She expected Carina to pull back, to push her away, even to slap her in the face. But when she didn’t do any of those things, Maya took a chance and deepened the kiss. She ran her tongue slowly across the doctor’s lips, praying she hadn’t crossed the line. 

And when Carina parted her lips, granting her entrance, the flood gates opened.

Maya poured every ounce of emotion she had into that kiss, as if she was trying to tell the woman everything she wanted to in just that one action. And feeling Carina’s lips moving against her, just as passionately, had her feeling like she was floating. 

It was more therapeutic than months of therapy, yoga and self-searching combined. 

When they finally pulled away after a few moments, they just stared at each other. The gravity of what had just occurred crashed down on them hard and neither could find the right words. 

“I’m sorry,” Maya said finally. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that.”

“Maya ... we both did it,” Carina said softly. 

“But I started it and ... I’m sorry, I just miss you so fucking much ... and I know you probably don’t miss me but -“

“I’ve been working nonstop,” Carina interrupted, her voice sterner than Maya had ever heard it. “I’ve been picking up extra shifts and throwing myself into my research and spending basically every moment I physically can at the hospital. And I’m exhausted. I’m exhausted but I can’t sleep. I can’t do anything but work because if I’m not working all I do is miss you. And I tried to let myself feel it at first ... to give into everything and let myself cry it out so I could get over it but I couldn’t. It didn’t work. I couldn’t shake you. I still can’t. I think about you all the time.”

“Carina ... “

“And I  _ do _ miss you, Maya. I miss you more than I could ever put into words and at this point I don’t know what hurts more ... being without you or remembering what you did.” 

“What I did was inexcusable and I’ll never be able to truly forgive myself for it,” Maya said. “And I don’t expect you to ever be able to forgive me either but if I let you leave here tonight without telling you how I feel I’d probably regret it forever and ... and I’d rather get shot down fighting for you than just let you go ... And I’m in love with you, Carina. I’ve never felt for anyone what I feel for you and I don’t think I ever will. You make me want to be better ... hell, you’ve  _ made _ me better already. And I know I’ve hurt you so much but I promise if you give me another chance I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you and I will  never hurt you again. I promise, baby. Please. I love you so much.”

Carina was hanging on to every word that left Maya’s mouth and she didn’t know when they started, but she currently had tears streaming down her face.

“I love you too, Maya,” she said. “And I want to be with you, of course I want to be with you. I’ve always wanted that, bella. But ... “

Maya’s heart dropped. Of course there was a but.

“You hurt me  so badly. I don’t ... how can I trust you again?” the doctor asked, her voice breaking as she did. It broke Maya’s heart. 

“I’ll do whatever it takes, Carina,” she promised. “Even if it means transferring stations ... I’ll do it.”

“Why would you transfer stations?”

“Because of Jack.”

“Jack’s not the problem,” the brunette argued. Maya way dumbfounded.

“But ... I cheated on you with him.”

“But not because you had feelings for him,” Carina argued. “Maya you slept with him because you wanted to hurt me. I’m not worried about you spending time with Jack ... I’m worried that you’re going to shut me out and push me away again.”

“Never again,” Maya said confidently. “It will  never happen again. Look, I can’t promise you that I won’t still have some hard headed tendencies but I know I will never hurt you again. I’m going to stay in therapy. I’m going to keep getting better. Maybe ... maybe we could even go together.”

“Together? You’d be comfortable with that?”

“I want you there with me ... I mean, if you want to be. I know I have a lot of nerve even asking you for a second chance but ... I had to try. Plus it seems like we’re both pretty miserable without each other.”

“Miserable is an understatement,” Carina agreed. 

“But we don’t have to be,” Maya said, scooting closer and taking Carina’s hands in hers. The Italian smiled and brought the younger girl’s knuckles to her lips, kissing them softly.

“I wish it was that easy, piccola,” she said sadly.

“I know it won’t be. It’ll be hard and painful and we’ll have  a lot of shit to work through but ... you’re worth it. You’re more than worth it. I just hope ... I hope maybe I am too.”

Carina sucked in a breath and brought her hands up to cup Maya’s cheeks.

“Bella, listen to me. You are worth so much more than you give yourself credit for. You mean so much to so many people. And yes, you’ve done some shitty things and you’ve hurt people but ... that’s called being human. We all make mistakes and do things, big and small, that we regret. What matters is you’re trying to better yourself. You’re coping with your mistakes and facing them head on and that is something some people never have enough courage to do. So please, Maya ... please don’t ever question if you’re worth it because you are. Every time.” 

“It kind of sounds like you have a crush on me, DeLuca,” Maya joked through stray tears, trying to bring some levity to the situation. Carina laughed and pulled her closer into a tight hug.

“Yeah a big crush,” she whispered into her hair. 

“So ... where do we go from here?” the captain asked, pulling away slightly so she could look the doctor in the eye. “Where does this leave us?”

As soon at the question left her lips Maya held her breath. This was it. This was what the last 5 months had been leading up to and the doctor literally held her heart in her hands. She had all the power in the world and she could either completely devastate her or make her happier than she ever thought possible.

Judging by how they’d left things all those months ago, she wouldn’t be surprised if the brunette broke her heart. In fact, she wouldn’t blame her if she wanted to rip it out of her chest, stomp all over it and set it on fire.

But Carina wasn’t like that. She wasn’t spiteful. She wasn’t the type to hurt someone to get even. 

_ She’s so good. You’ll have to work your whole fucking life to actually deserve her if she takes you back.  _

“I think ... “ Carina started after what seemed like an eternity. “Maybe we should try therapy. Together. If you’re comfortable with that.” 

“Really?” Maya asked, trying not to get too excited too quickly. “I’m totally comfortable with it. Are ... are you sure?”

“I think if we want to move past this, it’s a good first step,” Carina said cautiously, before her lips betrayed her and formed a coy smile. “And I want to move past this because I really, really want to be with you Maya Bishop.” 

“You do?” the blonde asked.

“Si. I really do ... but we have to take it slow. I don’t know if I’m ready to jump back into things where we left off.” 

“Of course, whatever you need.”

“It’s not just about me, Maya,” Carina laughed. 

“I know, but I have a lot to make up for so you should probably expect me to try to over-please you a lot,” the firefighter admitted. 

“Over-please me, huh?” Carina asked with a quirked eyebrow and a suggestive smirk. “Well that wouldn’t be taking it slow, now would it?”

“You’re so not allowed to be sexy like that while we’re taking things slow,” Maya huffed. “But in all seriousness ... are we doing this? You’re giving me another chance?”

“We’re doing this, bella,” Carina confirmed. “I don’t want to get ahead of ourselves, so let’s just say for now that we’ll do therapy and see how we feel after.” 

“That sounds perfect ... thank you.” The blonde’s eyes were starting to well up again, but this time with tears of joy.

“You don’t have to thank me.”

“I feel like I do, though.”

“You don’t. Just love me.”

The captain nodded and leaned forward, resting her forehead against Carina’s. 

“I will. I promise, baby.” The two women sat there for a while. Holding each other. Whispering sweet nothings. Taking in everything that had just happened. 

“I should probably go,” Carina said after a while. Pulling back slightly.

“Yeah ... yeah it’s late and you must be exhausted. I didn’t mean to keep you so long,” Maya said apologetically. 

“Oh stop. I’m really glad you did,” the Italian assured her, leaning in to give her a lingering kiss on the cheek.

As Maya walked Carina to the door she felt herself getting emotional again. Obviously she was overjoyed that they were going to attempt to work on their relationship, but having to say goodbye to the brunette, even just for the night, filled her with sadness. The Italian obviously noticed.

“What’s wrong, cara?” she asked, pulling the firefighter closer to her. The blonde’s arms instantly wrapped around her waist, holding her tight.

“Nothing I just ... I don’t want you to leave but I know you have to,” Maya told her, burying her head into the crook of her neck and breathing in her intoxicating scent. 

“I don’t want to leave either, bella,” Carina whispered, kissing just below her ear. 

“So don’t.”

“Maya ... “

“We’ll just sleep, I promise. I won’t even try to kiss you.”

“You promising to  _ not _ kiss me isn’t very enticing,” the doctor laughed.

“Well, I can also promise to kiss you a lot if that sounds better.” 

“You’re making it really hard to say no to you.” 

“I’m sorry, I’m not trying to push you. Having you here again just feels so amazing.”

“You’re not pushing me,” the brunette assured her. “I don’t want to leave either. But I don’t trust myself to not take you to the bedroom and kiss every inch of that gorgeous body. So for the sake of taking things slow ... I’m not going to tempt myself.”

“I understand. For what it’s worth I definitely wouldn’t have been able to keep my hands to myself.”

“I do love those hands though ... especially when you do that thing.”

“We need to stop or I’m going to need to raid your office for your ... research equipment.”

“We both know you don’t need that, bella.”

“You’re killing me, Dr. DeLuca.”

“Mi dispiace, I’m sorry,” Carina laughed. “Anyway, I should go now.” Maya nodded and pull away slightly.

“Thank you for coming, tonight. It meant ... literally everything to me.”

“Thank  you for texting me. I’m so proud of you, bella.”

“Can I ... would it be okay if I kissed you.”

“I’d be a little disappointed if you didn’t.” 

With that Maya leaned and and planted a searing kiss on the doctor’s soft lips. 

“Goodnight, Carina.”

“Buona notte, bellissima.” 


	2. Two

Carina took a sip from her fourth coffee of the day. 

She’d gotten barely any sleep last night, and while it was not a far cry from normal - a full nights sleep was a foreign concept to her at this point - she was feeling a lot better about it today. 

For the last five months her insomnia could be attributed to one person: Maya Bishop. 

The venom dripping from her voice when she confessed her infidelity. The pain in her face when she told her she was leaving. The sobs, the  _gut wrenching_ sobs, she’d heard from the girl as she walked out her door. It all played over and over in her mind, and no amount of meditation or talking about it or wine helped. 

She knew she couldn’t stay. Forgiving Maya that night would have been unhealthy and irresponsible for both of them. The firefighter was incapable of accepting her love and the doctor had already spent too much of her life in toxic relationships. She didn’t have the strength to add another to her list. 

So she walked away. She had to before either of them could get hurt anymore.

At this point she was a good at break ups. Countless passionate affairs over the last two decades had made her a pro at walking away from lovers. She was Italian, she knew drama. She’d let herself cry and wallow for a few days and then be over it. On to the next one.

She knew Maya would be different - she loved her,  _a lot_ . But she’d loved other people in her life. Arizona Robbins has cracked her heart open when she left, but Carina survived and it didn’t even take her  _that_ long to bounce back. Naively, she expected this to be similar. Not the same ... but similar at least.

She was wrong.  _God_ was she wrong. 

Being away from Maya was undoubtedly the most painful thing she’d ever been through. She spent countless nights frantically tossing and turning in bed, crying into her pillow so hard that she had to change the damp case at least once a night. After two weeks of giving into her pain, it got to be too much. Her usual method of coping was  _not_ going to work.

So she turned to the hospital. She turned to her research. Anything to keep her mind occupied and off of the gorgeous blonde who’d ripped her heart clean out of her chest.

Admittedly, that didn’t work that well either. All she really accomplished was exhausting herself and  _still_ not being able to sleep, but it was something. It gave her purpose which she so desperately craved at the moment, because if there was one thing Carina DeLuca hated, it was feeling useless.

She’d already been struggling with the feeling in regards to her brother and his diagnosis. Adding Maya to the list only sent Carina further into a dark hole she never wanted to return to.

But that all changed last night. 

Yes, her sleeplessness could  still be attributed to the fire captain, but the reason was  _very_ different.

The hope in her eyes as she told Carina about her therapy. The remorse in her voice as she owned up to everything. The kiss.  _God that kiss_. 

For the first time in months she walked into work with a smile on her face and felt a lightness in her movements that had been absent for far too long. 

And it didn’t go unnoticed. 

“You’re smiling.” She was standing at a nurses station logging patient info in a chart when Amelia Shepard approached her with that astute observation. The doctor had become a confidant for her lately, considering her brother had too much going on in his own life to deal with her romantic woes. 

“Good morning to you too, Dr. Shepard,” she responded coyly.

“I haven’t seen you smile in months and now you’re smiling,” Amelia pointed out, ignoring Carina’s greeting entirely. “What gives?”

“I’m just happy this morning,” the Italian teased, knowing withholding information would drive her friend crazy. She couldn’t help it, though. Amelia was too hilarious and adorable when she was flustered.

“And that’s amazing but I need to know the reason,” Dr. Shepard persisted. “Because, no offense, you’ve been super mopey for months now and  _something_ had to have changed. And don’t tell me you’re meditating again because that never  _actually __works_.”

Carina giggled at her friend’s tenacity and turned to face her. 

“Let me buy you coffee,” she suggested.

“Will you -“

“Yes I will fill you in on everything. I promise.”

———————————————————

“Whoa.”

“Yeah.”

Carina had just recounted her night for Amelia, with the other woman hanging on to every word, twist and turn in the story. She was currently sitting across from her, coffee in hand, mouth agape and the Italian couldn’t help but laugh.

“So she ... she really, like  _actually_ did the work?” the surgeon asked, almost flabbergasted at the idea.

“It certainly seems like it.”

“And you trust her?” Carina paused.  _Did_ she trust Maya? Sure, everything she’d told her the night before sounded genuine and she wanted nothing more than to believe her but ... the woman had also hurt her more than she ever thought possible. Could she really open herself up to being so vulnerable again?

“I ... I don’t know,” she admitted. “I want to. And just ... everything about how she was last night screamed that she was actually trying and remorseful but ... I’m still scared.” 

“Well that’s understandable. She did rip your heart out and drive her fire truck over it.” 

“Amelia,” Carina laughed. The woman never ceased to make her laugh. For someone who she’d only known a short time, she was oddly protective of her.

“I’m just saying, I give you a lot of credit for wanting to go to therapy with her  before getting back together. I wish I had that much willpower.” 

“Willpower?”

“Well, yeah. You’ve been absolutely miserable and missing her like crazy. Plus it’s been like, five months. Did you really not just want to rip her clothes off and hop in bed with her?”

“I mean -“

“Because that would have one hundred percent been my move and I would have regretted it  so hard later. Not in the moment, of course. But definitely later.”

“Oh really?” Carina asked, amused.

“Well ... yeah!” Amelia replied. “Come on, are you telling me you weren’t even a little tempted to just like, take her and deal with the consequences later? I mean, you  are Dr. Orgasm.”

“Wait ... is that what people call me?”

“I mean ... at first, it might have been.”

“Anyway,” Carina laughed, trying to get them back on topic. “I definitely  _wanted_ to. I always want to. I mean, that kiss alone -“

“Wait, you kissed her?” Amelia interrupted, nearly spitting out her coffee.

“Si. Well, she kissed me.”

“You didn’t mention that before!”

“I didn’t?”

“Look, I don’t know how they tell stories in Italy but any time there’s a kiss, that is crucial information to share.”

“Amelia, if we told each other every time someone kissed someone in Italy we wouldn’t talk about anything else.”

“Was it like a peck?”

“What is a peck?”

“Like a super short kiss. Basically just like, bumping lips.”

“No, definitely not a peck.”

“Was there tongue?”

“Amelia!”

“So there definitely was,” the doctor concluded. “Was it just once?”

“Yes ... wait, no. She kissed me before I left.”

“ _Two_ kisses, Carina! We need to work on your storytelling skills.”

“What? I gave you the basic ... what do you call it? Overview?”

“Synopsis.”

“That.”

“Well, as your best friend, I require more than the cliff notes version of any updates concerning your love life.”

“Best friend, huh?” Carina couldn’t help but smile at the slightly hysterical doctor sitting across from her. At least something good had come from this situation. She now had a best friend in America who wasn’t related to her.

“Duh.”

“You’re cute.”

“Stop trying to flatter me because it  will work,” Amelia warned her. “So what about the guy?”

“The guy?”

“The guy, Carina. The one she cheated on you with. Doesn’t he work with her?”

“Oh,  _that_ guy. Si, they work together. I think they had an affair or something before I met her,” she said nonchalantly, sipping her coffee.

“And?”

“And what?”

“How does that work? Did she say anything about that? Aren’t you like ... worried?”

“Not really. She said she would transfer fire stations which is pazzo, crazy, and I told her not to do that.” Amelia looked dumbfounded. “What?”

“So your girlfriend cheats on you with a guy she has history with, who she works with  everyday , and you’re just ... not worried about it?”

“Why would I be worried?”

“Carina ... for like ...  all the reasons I just said! I would be freaking out! How can you trust her around him?”

“Amelia, she slept with him to push me away. Not because she still has feelings for him. I’m more worried about  her .” 

“Is he hot?”

“I’ve only seen him a few times but, si, he’s definitely good looking. Very ... rugged.”

“Tell me again why you’re not worried?”

“Amelia ... he’s a man.”

“And?”

“And ... I don’t know. I’m just not at all threatened by men when it comes to the women I date.”

“Really?”

“Really ... women understand women so much better. Emotionally,  _sexually_ ... “ She gave her friend a wink as the last word rolled sensually off her tongue, finding it beyond amusing how flushed she got. “What’s there to be threatened by? Men are idiots.”

“I mean, I can’t argue with that,” Dr. Shepard conceded, clearing her throat. “Is it hot in here, or ... “

“I’m sorry. You know I like to tease you, Amelia,” Carina giggled.

“God, you propose a threesome to your friend  one time and you never hear the end of it.” Carina laughed and placed her hand over the other woman’s.

“In all seriousness ... am I completely stupido if I take her back? Be brutally honest.”

“Look ... “ Amelia started. “You are the most positive person I know. I mean, these last few years haven’t been easy on you ... with Arizona leaving, and your dad and your brother ... but you’ve always had this incredible ability to make the best of those things and find the silver lining, and I’ve always  so admired that about you. You never let things make you stumble. You just keep pushing forward ... Except with this. Carina, this thing has cast this dark shadow over you and I have to believe that for that to happen, this girl must have had a pretty big impact on you. That you must love her in this really deep way that’s impossible for anyone to understand or makes sense of and ... that’s okay. It’s okay to want to be with someone even if they’ve hurt you. As long as she’s willing to confront her mistakes and move on  _with_ you ... it’s not stupid to want to be happy.”

Tears began to sting the corners of Carina’s eyes. She took a deep breath and wiped them away before they could fall. 

“Thank you,” she said softly, giving Amelia’s hand a tight squeeze. “I ... I couldn’t have gotten through these last few months without you. I’m really glad you’re my best friend.” 

“Well I’m really glad  to be your best friend.” 

———————————————————

The rest of the day went by in a blur. A mix of consults and deliveries kept her more busy and occupied than she’d expected. When she could finally sit to catch her breath for a moment and check her phone, she was delighted to see a text from the girl who’d been on her mind all day.

**_ Maya _ **

_ Hey, you. I know you’re probably super busy but I just wanted to let you know I can’t stop thinking about you. As per usual :) Last night meant so much to me and so do you and I’m rambling so I’ll let you get back to work. _

A wide smiled formed on her face and she quickly typed out a response.

**_ Carina _ **

_ Buongiorno, bellissima! I am super busy but I’m also absolutely thinking about you too ;) Call me later? _

**_ Maya _ **

_ Yes please :) _

As she continued to beam at her phone she heard a faint knock on her door. 

“Come in,” she called. She couldn’t imagine who it could be. Amelia was in surgery and her next consult wasn’t for another hour. But when she looked up, her eyes widened.

Standing in her doorway, looking slightly aimless, was Jack Gibson.

_ I slept with Jack an hour ago so be mad at that.  _

The words began echoing over and over in her head and for a moment she felt herself getting angry at the sight of him. But then she studied his face. 

His eyes were full of remorse and from his body language she could tell he was nervous. Really nervous. He looked like a lost puppy, and who could  _really_ be angry at a lost puppy?

“Hi,” he said finally. “Is uh ... is now a bad time?”

“No ... no, not at all. Come in,” she said, gesturing to the chair across from her. He approached slowly, cautiously and after what seemed like an eternity, sat down.

He smiled at her nervously and opened his mouth to say something, but then closed it immediately. When he did the same thing a few more times Carina decided to take pity on him and lighten the mood.

“So how long have you been pregnant?” she asked seriously. His eyes widened, looking positively dumbfounded.

“I ... what?” he sputtered out. The doctor couldn’t help but giggle.

“It’s a joke, Jack. You seemed like you could use one,” she pointed out. 

“Oh,” he said, breathing a sigh of relief and chuckling. “Not going to lie that scared the shit out of me.”

“Well, I promise not to bite.” He nodded and took a look around the office. 

“So ... lots of baby stuff in here,” he pointed out.

“Jack ... what can I do for you?”

“Right. I um ... look I just wanted to come here and apologize to you myself. Maya told me she reached out to you and I’m super happy about that because she’s been miserable these last few months and I’ve been tell her to just call you and I know she really loves you and I really want you guys to work it out and if you do I -“

“Jack, you have to breath.”

“I’m sorry. I’m really fucking sorry, Carina. I know we don’t really know each other super well but I just want you to know that ... I never wanted to hurt either of you. Which I know is what ultimately ended up happening but if there’s anything I can do to make it right ... I’ll do whatever it takes.”

As he finished talking, Carina took a deep breath. She didn’t quite know how to react.

Here was this guy who she  _should_ hate, who touched her girlfriend in ways she never wanted to think about, who was a big part of the reason she’d been so miserable for the last five months - and she felt for him.

She  _actually_ felt for him.

He was quite obviously wracked with guilt over this and her heart broke for him just a little. In a way, he reminded her of her brother. Cool and tough on the outside, but on the inside just a scared, broken little boy. 

“Jack, I ... I really appreciate you saying that,” she said softly, a small smiling gracing her face. Jack visibly relaxed. “You look like you’re scared of me.”

“Not scared, really. It’s just ... I don’t know it’s nerve wracking to look someone in the eye who you’ve fucked over so bad,” he explained.

“Don’t you run into burning buildings for a living?” 

“Yeah but this is makes me way more nervous,” he laughed. 

“Look ... I know you probably think I hate you, but I don’t.”

“You don’t?”

“No. I don’t.”

“How?” Carina couldn’t help but laugh. “I’m serious. If I were you I’d want to kill me.”

“Do you have feelings for her?”

“What? No, not at all. I mean, as a friend ... of course, but not anything more than that.”

“Does she have feelings for you?”

“Definitely not. She’s ... she’s pretty fucking in love with you.”

“There’s your answer.” She watched as Jack took in what she said and nodded. “I know that what happened with you and Maya wasn’t the result of lingering feelings. She was angry and she wanted to hurt me and ... and that’s why she did it.” 

“She wanted to push you away.”

“Exactly.”

“If it helps ... I told her she was doing that and gave her a hard time for it.”

“Was that before or after?”

“Point taken. I’m sorry. I’m such a dick.”

“You’re not ... you’re human.”

“And you’re  way too understanding.”

“I just know how you’re feeling. I may have been in your shoes before and .... it was years ago but ... it doesn’t feel great and  I didn’t have the courage to face the person I hurt and apologize. So,  _maybe_ I think you’re actually a very good guy for doing it.”

Jack smiled widely, running a hand through his messy hair.

“You know ... I always thought she was over-exaggerating when she’d go on and on about how awesome you were ... she definitely wasn’t.” 

“You’re just trying to flatter me.”

“I swear I’m not,” he chuckled. “I just think you’re really good for her. She’s had it tough, you know? It’s good to know she’s found some who really ... “

“Loves her?”

“Yeah ... even if she wasn’t the best at receiving it at first.” 

“Well it’s good to know she has friends who love her too,” Carina added, giving him a warm smile. 

“Totally platonically.”

“You don’t have to say that every time.”

“Noted.” Suddenly Carina’s pager went off. 

“Oh shoot. They need me upstairs,”

she said, checking it. “I hate to kick you out but -“

“No worries at all,” Jack told her, standing up. “Duty calls.” She nodded and walked him over the to door. “So are we cool?”

“Yeah, Jack,” Carina said, placing her hand on his arm. “We’re cool. Just promise me one thing?”

“Of course.”

“Look our for her when you run into burning buildings. Knowing she does that might drive me slightly crazy,” she admitted. 

“You have my word, doc,” he said, sticking his hand out to for a shake. Carina looked at it for a moment before wrapping her arms around him in a tight hug. “Maybe when you and Bishop get everything figured out we can all grab a beer. I’m kind of dating her yoga instructor and she keeps bugging me about meeting my friends, so ... “

“Yeah? I think that’d be great.”

———————————————————

It was 6:30 in the morning and Carina was bleary eyed and delirious as she entered her apartment building. Overnights were the  _worst_ and she couldn’t wait to just crawl into bed and lay down.

But as she turned the corner into her hallway she paused.

Sitting on the floor in front of her apartment was Maya. 

She had her back against the door and was too busy scrolling through her phone to notice the doctor staring at her from the end of the hall. Carina cleared her throat loudly, causing the girl to look up. And when their eyes met, the most gorgeous smile spread across the blonde’s face.

“Buongoirno,” the brunette greeted as she walked towards her. Maya stood up as she reached her and ran a hand through her long hair, looking slightly flustered at the doctor’s sudden presence.

“Hey, you.”

“What are you doing here so early?” Carina inquired, checking her watch to see what time it actually was. Yup, way too early for anyone to be functioning.

“I um ... you said you were working overnights so I wanted to bring you breakfast.” The doctor looked down and saw a small brown bag in Maya’s hands and her heart melted.

“You woke up at six in the morning just to do that for me?”

“I told you I was going to be trying to over-please you a lot,” Maya explained, blushing a little as she did.

“You’re pretty adorable, Captain Bishop, you know that?” With that she took a step forward and wrapped the blonde in a tight hug. When she pulled back she gestured for Maya to follow her into the apartment. The two walked, Carina dropping her things haphazardly before grabbing Maya’s hand and leading her too the kitchen. “Cafe?” she asked, beginning to put a pot on as the blonde lingered behind her.

“ _ Please _ ,” Maya confirmed, sounding desperate for a jolt of caffeine.

“So how did you even know when I’d be back?”

“I asked Warren. And when he didn’t know I  _may_ have gotten him to give me Dr. Shepard’s number and I  _may_ have reached out and asked her. And she  _may_ have sent me a vaguely threatening yet super supportive text back.” Carina chuckled and turned back towards the younger girl.

“Of course she did.” 

“She’s ... feisty.”

“That’s an understatement.”

“Well, it makes me happy to know that you have someone looking out for you. No matter how ... “

“Feisty.”

“Yeah.” The two women laughed and Maya took a step closer to the doctor who was currently leaning against the counter.

She reached out her hands and cautiously placed them on Carina’s hips, barely even touching her, before looking up to meet the doctor’s gaze.

“Is this ... “ she stammered, trying to ask permission but finding it kind of hard to get words out in such close proximity to the gorgeous Italian. Carina nodded, melting at how cute the blonde looked in that moment. For someone who could look so incredibly badass fighting fires, Maya could switch to doe-eyed and adorable at the drop of a hat. 

The captain’s arms slowly made their way around the brunette’s waist, pulling their bodies flush together.

“You’re so beautiful,” she breathed out, so quietly that Carina barely heard her.

“Maya, I’ve been working for basically 24-hours straight, there’s no way I look even remotely good right now,” she laughed. 

“There is literally no situation where you’d be anything other than the most beautiful woman in the world, so don’t try to convince me otherwise.” 

“I think you just  really want me to give you coffee.”

“Maybe. I’d settle for a kiss too, though.”

Carina laughed and wrapped her arms lightly around Maya’s neck, bringing their lips together in a sweet kiss. 

Every ounce of stress and exhaustion faded away as their lips moved against each other gently, and for a moment it was like nothing in the world existed besides the two of them. 

_ Beep, beep, beep. _

The sound of the coffee pot going off brought them back to earth. 

“Ugh, I never thought I’d be mad a coffee,” Maya sighed, resting her forehead against Carina’s. 

“Bite your tongue, Captain Bishop,” feigning outrage as she untangled herself from the blonde’s arms and went to grab two mugs. 

“You’re right, I’m totally out of line. The coffee doesn’t deserve that,” the firefighter conceded. “Kissing you just did a way better job of perking me up.”

“Oh yeah?” Carina asked with a quirked eye brow as she handed the woman her cup. She was about to make a suggestive comment about _something else_ that could  really energize both of them, but she decided against it. They were taking things slow and seeing any kind to spark of sexual energy in Maya’s eyes would surely make her lose any and all willpower she had.

“Were you about to make a sex joke?” Maya asked after a pregnant pause, giving her an amused look at she sipped her coffee.

Busted.

“Maybe,” Carina admitted bashfully. 

“Wow, Dr. DeLuca, you’re so nau -“

“Don’t say it! I have enough pent up ... energy as it is. I don’t need you saying sexy things to make it worse,” the doctor mock-scolded. 

“So I  shouldn’t tell you how nice your ass looks in those jeans?”

“Maya!”

“Okay, okay!” the blonde laughed. “I’ll stop teasing you so you don’t combust.”

“I appreciate it.”

“On a more serious note ... “ Maya started nervously, looking down at her hands. “I have a therapy session scheduled for tomorrow at noon. Would you maybe want to come with me? I know it’s kind of short notice but ... “

“Maya ... “ Carina said, smiling and taking one of the blonde’s hands in hers. “I’d love to.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Awesome! I’ll uh ... I let my therapist know and text you the details and stuff.”

“Perfetto.” 

“Carina ... you have no idea what this means to me.”

“ _You_ have no idea what it means to  _me_ , bella. I know how personal this is to you. It means a lot that you want me to be apart of it.”

“I want you to be apart of every aspect of my life,” the captain whispered, pulling her closer. “I never want to hide anything from you or close you out ever again.” 

With that she leaned in a placed a soft kiss on the brunette’s lips. It didn’t last long but it made Carina feel like she was floating. As if on cue though, another beep interrupted them.

“Shit, that’s me,” Maya said, grabbing her phone out of her pocket and glancing at it quickly. “It’s Ja- the station. It’s the station. Just a small incident they need to dispatch to.” Carina gave her a knowing look.

“You know, you’re allowed to say Jack’s name, Maya. I’m won’t get mad.”

“I just ... I don’t know, I figured it might be a sore subject.”

“It’s really not,” the doctor reiterated. “In fact, he stopped by the hospital last night.”

“He what?” Maya looked absolutely panicked. “He came to the hospital? Did you talk to him? What did he say? He made everything worse didn’t he? I’m going to kill -“

“Maya!” Carina interrupted. “Bella, relax. Nothing bad happened. We just talked. He wanted to apologize to me for everything and he was very sweet. You don’t have to kill anyone.”

“He apologized?”

“Si.”

“And you ... do you ... “

“Forgive him?”

“Yeah.”

“Si ... I do.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really. It takes a lot to do that. He’s not a bad person.”

“No ... no, he’s not. You’re right. I just never expected him to do it, I guess.”

“People grow, Maya. I think you know something about that,” Carina pointed out with a wink. 

“Yeah ... they certainly do.”

“He also promised me he’d look out for you when you go out on your fires.”

“Psh, _I’m_ the one who needs to look out for _him_.”

“He’s a lot taller than you, bella.”

“Hey!” Maya said, giving her a play swat on the arm. Just then, her phone went off again. “Shit. I have to go. Duty calls.”

“Go. Save some lives, Captain.”

“Can I call you later?” the blonde asked as they walked over to the door.

“You know you can.”

“Well then, I’ll talk you soon, Dr. DeLuca.”

“Ciao, bella.”

As soon as the door shut, Carina padded off to her bedroom, stripped off her clothes and slept peacefully for the first time in months.


	3. Three

_ I was angry.  _

**_ I just wanted to be there for you. _ **

_ I don’t know how to deal with my anger. _

**_ I didn’t want to lose you. _ **

_ My anger is often misplaced. _

**_ I felt like I was walking on eggshells. _ **

_ My misplaced anger made me want to hurt you. _

**_ I was worried you’d breakup with me. _ **

_ I hurt you to push you away. _

**_ I never thought you’d cheat on me. _ **

_ I pushed you away because I couldn’t accept your love.  _

**_ I know you did it just to hurt me. _ **

_ I couldn’t accept your love because I couldn’t love myself.  _

**_ I couldn’t let you hurt me anymore. _ **

_ I couldn’t love myself because I was angry. _

**_ I’m so tired. _ **

_ I was angry because I couldn’t see the truth. _

**_ I want so badly to forgive you. _ **

_ The truth is I was abused. _

**_ I’m just scared you’ll hurt me again. _ **

_ I’m scared that my abuse has permanently fucked me up. _

———————————————————

As the session came to an end, Maya sat back against the stiff couch and sighed.

For the last hour her and Carina had been unpacking what had happened between them all those months ago. 

What they were feeling then.

What they are feeling now.

Their fears.

Their hopes.

She’d shed a lot of tears - some caused by herself, some caused by Carina. But with each she felt lighter. The session had given her a chance to say the things she’d wanted to say to the doctor for months, and hear things she knew she needed to from the other woman.

_ “I want so badly to forgive you, Maya ... I do ... And I think I’m getting there but what I can’t do is forget. I can’t, not matter how hard I try. And I just ... if I trust you and give you another chance ... I’m just scared you’ll hurt me again.” _

She wasn’t foolish. In the back of her mind she knew Carina had to be feeling some sort of doubt. The Italian obviously believed in her, but to think she was just ready to take her back with no trepidations would be foolish. They had stuff to work though. A lot of stuff. And proving to her that she was trustworthy would be no easy task after what she’d done.

But she was going to try. God was she going to try. Because this woman meant everything to her and she was not going to lose her again. Not when she had this almost unbelievable chance to get her back.

_ But how? What if you fuck this up again? What if you just ruin things even more? What if - _

Her thoughts were interrupted when she felt a warm hand delicately grab hers. She looked up to see deep brown eyes staring at her lovingly.

“You ready to go, bella?” Carina asked softly.

“Yeah,” Maya said, nodding and intertwining their fingers. The doctor looked so calm and at peace, like the world had just been lifted off her shoulders, and the blonde couldn’t help but smile. 

The two stayed silent as they left the office, but as soon as they were outside Maya felt Carina tug at her hand, pulling her closer into a tight hug. 

“How do you feel?” the doctor whispered, nuzzling her ear as she did. Maya squeezed her tightly before pulling a away slightly to look her in the eye.

“I feel good ... great, even. How do  you feel?” 

“I feel ... good. That was a lot.”

“Yeah ... “

“I’m sorry if some of the stuff I said was harsh.”

“Please don’t apologize. That’s what this is for. To get everything out there, in the open so we can deal with it head on.”

“But you were crying and -“

“I cry a lot these days,” Maya laughed. “But like you said the other night, it’s super therapeutic.” Carina nodded solemnly and looked away.

“I know, I just ... I hate being the person who causes it,” she said sadly. It broke Maya’s heart in two.

“Hey,” she said, cupping her cheek and turning her face back towards her. “ _ I _ am the reason I was crying, okay? It was nothing you did or said, it was me remembering what  _ I _ did to  _ you _ . That’s what makes me cry. I want you to say anything and everything you feel when we’re in there, okay? It’s important for me to hear and it’s even more important for you to get out. If we want to be together we have to put it all out there. Even the ugly stuff. Because once we get passed it ... it’s just going to be  so damn good. I want this so bad, Carina. I can take whatever you throw at me. I know I can.”

A smile started to spread across the brunette’s face.

“When did you get so good at this?” she asked coyly.

“Probably around month three of therapy,” the blonde joked. 

“Well it’s very helpful,” Carina confirmed, kissing her forehead. “Thank you, bella.”

“Please, you’ve talked me through countless things. I think it’s about time I returned the favor.” 

“But seriously, if I ever do say something that hurts you ... please tell me. Because I was really angry at you for a long time and I ... I don’t want to hurt you just to get back at you.”

“I highly doubt that will happen but on the off chance it does ... I promise I’ll tell you.” 

“Why do you doubt it will happen?” Carina laughed.

“I’ve seen you angry like  _ one _ time, DeLuca.”

“Well,  maybe I’ve gotten good at controlling my crazy Italian temper, but you never know when it might flare up,” the doctor teased. 

“Crazy Italian temper, huh? Sounds pretty sexy. I kinda want to see it.” Carina rolled her eyes and swatted her arm playfully. 

“Don’t do that.”

“Do what?”

“Tease me.”

“Was I teasing you?” 

“You know what you were doing.”

“I don’t know if I do, maybe you should tell me.”

“Maya!”

“I’m sorry, seeing you so sexually frustrated is just really cute.” 

“It’s been 5 months!”

“I know,  _ trust me .” _

“And you should watch yourself, bella. You know how good I am at teasing. I could turn the tables really,  _really_ quickly,” the doctor whispered the last part so seductively in the captains ear that it sent a jolt straight to her core. She sucked in a breath and tried keep her composure, but their proximity made her reaction impossible to hide. Carina pulled back slightly and gave her a very knowing and  _ very _ smug look.

“Not fair.”

“Oh it wasn’t.”

“Borderline cruel, actually.”

“Anything I can do to make it up to you?”

“I can think of a few things ... “

“Okay, this is getting out of hand.”

“I was going to say buy me a coffee. God, get your mind out of the gutter.” 

“You’re going to kill me, Captain Bishop.”

“Good thing you work at a hospital.”

“Come on,” Carina laughed, pulling away and dragging a very amused Maya down the sidewalk towards the closest coffee shop.

———————————————————

Fifteen minutes (and a lot of teasing) later the two women had gotten their coffee and were strolling around a nearby park.

And Maya couldn’t have been more content.

For the first time in months she felt happy. Actually, full, wonderfully happy. Which of course made the dark parts of her mind start kicking into overdrive.

_ It’s too good to be true.  _

Therapy had gone well, but it was just one session. There was only so much they could touch on in one hour and she knew they had a lot more work ahead of them if they wanted to move forward with a healthy relationship. Ideally, she wanted Carina to join her for more. But is that what she wanted? She knew the woman had been upset about making her cry earlier but what else did she feel about the session? Was it too much? She needed answers but was also afraid to push too hard so early on. The doctor was basically doing her a favor by coming with her, and asking her do even more was daunting for the captain.

_ Do you even deserve more from her? Probably not. _

Maya tried to shake that thought. Carina loved her. She wanted to be with her. Nothing the doctor had done or said told her anything otherwise. And the blonde had promised to be open with her and let her know how she was feeling. 

_ Be vulnerable, you idiot. It’s okay. _

Swallowing her fear, and a large sip of coffee, she decided to float the question. 

“So I know we got a little off topic since I was relentlessly teasing you before ... “ she started, somewhat awkwardly. “But how are you feeling? After the session and everything?” Her eyes were glued to the ground, afraid to chance a look at the doctor and see any kind of hesitation or discomfort. 

“Honestly?”

Maya’s heartbeat quickened and she braced herself for what was coming.

“Please.”

“I feel amazing, Maya.”

The captains head snapped up in surprise.

“Really?”

“Yeah!” Carina said enthusiastically. “Don’t you?”

“I mean, of course. I just ... I don’t know, you said before that it was a lot and you were upset and I ... I was worried that it may have been too much.”

“It was a lot, but in a good way. Maya, that stuff had just been sitting inside of me for a while. Getting it out, in a healthy way, felt amazing. And being able to hear you and the progress you’ve made. Bella ... I don’t even have words. It means so much to me that you shared this,” Carina assured her, linking their hands together. 

_ What were you worried about again? _

Maya almost had to laugh at herself. Time and time again she worked herself up into believing the worst only to be reminded that this woman only had the best intentions. That all she wanted to do was love her. 

“Well, that’s pretty amazing to hear,” Maya replied, not even attempting to hide her wide smile. “So ... does that mean it’s something you might want to do again?”

“As long as you’re comfortable ... it’s something I’d absolutely want to do again.”

“Really?”

“Maya ... I want to be your girlfriend again. And right now that scares me because I still have these walls up but ... after today I know that I  can get to a place where I trust you again. So whatever it takes ... I’m in.” 

“Are you sure?”

“Si.”

“I don’t want to push you.”

“You’re not.”

“You know, it’s almost annoying how perfect you are,” Maya teased.

“Oh, is it?”

“Yeah you make it really hard to not be insanely in love with you.” 

“Well lucky for you ... “ Carina started, pausing in her path and pulling Maya flush against her. “That’s exactly where I want you.” With that she swooped down and placed a sweet, but way-to-brief-for-Maya’s-liking, kiss on the blonde’s lips.

_ Beep. Beep. Beep. _

As she was way to accustomed to by now, the sound of one of their phones interrupted the bliss. It was Carina’s.

“I have to get back to the hospital,” she sighed, giving Maya a sad look. 

“I get it, babies need to be born and what not. I should get back to the station too.”

The two reluctantly said their goodbyes, complete with promises to call and text each other later, and just as they parted ways Carina turned back and called out to Maya. 

“Hey ... we’re going to be okay, bella. I know it.”

And for the first time, maybe ever, the fire captain didn’t second guess it.

_ Yeah. Yeah we are. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think.


End file.
